Sorry I haven’t been such a good penpal this last… 20 or so years, but to be fair, you never wrote back. So who’s to blame here? I’m sure you remember the Christmas I told my parents that I didn’t believe in you anymore. I hope that didn’t hurt your feelings. I just found it implausible, the whole ‘travel around the world in a flying sleigh and deliver presents by jumping down chimneys while the kids are asleep’ thing. If I’m honest, Santa, that’s illegal where I’m from. So you’re kind of a criminal even if you are magic.
Mom and Dad wanted me to keep believing. I don’t think they wanted their youngest child to grow up too fast, but when I started to threaten to set up a video camera in the Christmas tree to catch a glimpse of you, I think they knew your days were numbered. They’d have to send the letter you dread most:
Robin doesn’t believe in you anymore. There will be no more cookies. Sorry.
And I imagine that the letter worked as a magic spell to generate an impenetrable barrier that closed off the chimney so that you couldn’t come in. The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy had already gotten their letters (I was a suspicious and precocious child), so you had to know it was coming– if you keep in touch with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, that is. I know it’s hard to stay in touch these days; life gets busy. All this makes me pretty sad, actually.
I realize now that I’ve made a huge mistake. Turns out I do believe in you! I won’t go too far in to it, but I saw this elf on the news last Christmas when your sleigh crashed in Central Park, and when everyone started singing a Christmas song, your sleigh was able to fly again. I’m sure you remember it.
If you’re wondering why I’m writing, it’s not solely to apologize for the error of my ways. I’m writing to offer some advice, and I hope you’ll hear me out. This is definitely for your own good.
First off, I think it would be a good idea to teach your reindeer to treat other reindeer with kindness. Poor Rudolf was pretty depressed for a while, and I’m pretty sure it had something to do with Donner, Dasher, Cupid and Blitzen laughing and calling him names. They wouldn’t let him play in any reindeer games, and if you’ve ever been left on the bench in Little League, you know that shit burns. I know Rudolph is their leader now, but what happens the next time a reindeer comes along with a different colored nose? Think about it.
Next, if three ghoulish children in Halloween costumes ever come to visit, avoid them. They are up to no good, and you will end up in the clutches of the Oogie Boogie. If you aren’t sure who that is, good. They haven’t gotten to you yet.
That reminds me! I think you need to visit this little-known place called Whoville. It’s gonna take a bit more magic than usual because Whoville is located on a speck of dust. Ask Horton, he’ll point you in the right direction. But there’s a girl there in Whoville who needs you to save Christmas from the clutches of an angry green hairball called the Grinch. He’s a mean one, Mr Grinch. Good news is they love Christmas in Whoville so they’ll probably leave out lots of cookies for you to eat. Get there quickly! The Grinch is planning to steal Christmas from the Whos, cookies and all!
Finally (this is the last one I have time for because i’m busy, you know?), check out the contract you agreed to when you signed up for this job. There might be some fine print in there that says someone can kill you and steal your clothes to automatically steal your identity. Read through all of those clauses so you don’t fall off a roof and get left for dead in the snow while some guy and his kid take your sleigh, your reindeer, and your pension.
I hope this letter reaches you in time and that it makes up for the number of years I stopped believing in you.